from the people who brought you stalin: (earlwyn) wrote,
from the people who brought you stalin:

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Oh, look, I remember I used to like Harry Potter

So I have decided I will try to use and update this. Mmmmmosly, probably, to bitch about things I don't feel comfortable bitching about on Tumblr. Such as (let's see if I remember how to do a cut) the current stuff on my dash surrounding Suicide Awareness Day or whatever it is today/yesterday/tomorrow. I'm all for raising awareness about mental health issues and trying to help or comfort people in need. I think the internet is great for that. It has definitely helped me through issues in the past.


But I just find those posts like "if you're looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it; please reblog you might save someone". Or stuff like "here is a collection of links to pretty pictures/music/trite sayings to help you get over feeling suicidal". And, I don't know, man. Maybe that legit works for some people. But it's not something I relate to. Even a little. The things that made me feel suicidal as a teenager or in my early twenties were things like: "i cannot go two hours without having a panic attack and have wound up not leaving my bedroom for the past two weeks"; "i am tired of being hit all the time"; "i am so miserable and so filled with hate and hopelessness that i don't see any point in continuing this torturous existence". Pretty pictures of hot people or someone on the internet who didn't know me saying "don't do it" wouldn't have worked. It would have made me feel, if anything, more guilty over the fact that I was miserable. Suicide is complicated. Depression is complicated. If you can solve it by looking at Tumblr, I start to question if you really do legit feel suicidal. I don't want to question or downplay anyone's pain but I remember it took me years to crawl out of the cesspit that was suicidal urges. And I still struggle at times wondering if that is not a valid solution.

I understand the relief of being able to escape into fandom, or into a character crush, or into a piece of media. But man I do that when I just have bad days. Suicide was not, like, a bad day for me. Suicide was, like, a bad decade being consciously tortured by the fact that I was conscious. It wasn't something I could escape from. That's why I was suicidal.

Just, ugh, Tumblr. You are so full of dumb at times.

In other news, I cleaned out my icons and uploaded some Supernatural ones to use. I also re-did my LJ layout a little bit to reflect my current interests (i.e. Cas, all Cas, all the time). While I was doing that, I wound up getting Snow Patrol's Run stuck in my head, which I have not listen to in years, wow. Then I remembered one of the very first fanvids I ever loved, way back in something like 2004, and dug through the interwebz to see if it still existed.

And it does!

It's odd going back to Harry Potter ten years later. I used to be suuuuuuuuuch a Remus girl. I loved Remus sfm. I thought he hung the moon (insert werewolf joke here). But I think if Harry Potter was a new thing happening now, if I was just discovering it now, I would still be a Marauders girl, but I would be far more invested in Sirius. Remus does have flaws but I think Remus's flaws are more stuff you say in a job interview that is not really a flaw at all. Like, "he is too loyal to his friends to criticise them". Okay. Hard to really blame someone for feeling like that, and if there hadn't been a war and things like betrayal, that's not really a flaw that would have bitten Remus or really anyone else in the ass very much.

But Sirius, because he's impulsive and brash and a daredevil, and "act first, think later", that does get him into trouble and it hurts other people. I mean, Sirius's death is basically Sirius's own fault when you get right down to it. And Dumbledore other people hold some blame for not, oh I don't know, registering that someone spending 13 years in Azkaban might be a little unhinged and might need some hardcore care and attention that's not "eh, flee from justice on this hippogriff" or "eh, go stay in your family home that sounds like it was super abusive and triggery for you on top of everything else" or "eh, have a Remus who is the only one who will try to manage your issues at all". But Sirius, like Harry, also just made bad choices and didn't think things through and didn't try to guess at likely outcomes or consequences. Which is far more interesting to me as an adult (also more obvious) than it was when I was a baby 18 year old. Like, I think I might personally relate more heavily to Remus (burdened with a monster you can't control and were forced to live with through no fault of your own - hello, PTSD) but Sirius is more intellectually fascinating to me as a character and a person.

Strange how age and time change your fannish positions on things.
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